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difficult feelings

Things we cannot escape

There are many examples of suffering in the world. Always. But, especially, it seems, right now. I don’t have the credentials to speak to most of it. But I have suffered. And I can’t gauge how much, exactly – there is no adequate metric. But I’ve suffered enough that I thought it might end me.… Read More »Things we cannot escape

…and bad jokes

Once Upon A Time in 2022, after my catastrophic failure adding Leonard Cohen to the hen party playlist, the person who had first brought the issue of the ‘haunted music’ to my attention returned upstairs ahead of me. Consequently, a minute or so later, I was climbing the stairs to the sound of them mimicking… Read More »…and bad jokes

Petty Fraud

I’ve felt like a fraud sometimes lately. Because the things I’m trying to do aren’t yet done. It’s a vulnerable place to stand, and my defense mechanism in such circumstances is to preempt, and then inhabit, my harshest critics. So sometimes I declare myself a fraud, and suggest I climb back in my hole. I’m… Read More »Petty Fraud

Precious thing

I have a tendency to burn through things. I ‘ve alluded to this a few times here – I believed it was simply an occupational hazard of living in my brain. But I think I’m starting to understand something different. I don’t think the burnout is inevitable. I think it might be a side-effect of… Read More »Precious thing

Sad and unavoidable

There is a certain look that is often played on the face of beautiful, egotistical, fragile, struggling male characters in TV shows, and every time I see it, it takes me back to a different time. I recognise that look intimately. I thought the connection to it would have faded with time, but it hasn’t… Read More »Sad and unavoidable

A strange compromise

I don’t know what to do with this world. I don’t know what to do in it. I don’t seem to have the constitution, the circumstances, the expertise to contribute solutions to its biggest problems. I care deeply, but am impotent. The best I can muster is often to reassess the organisations I donate meagre… Read More »A strange compromise

Unfairly archived

A few months ago, I got caught off guard by a photo of me, my son and his dad together. We looked happy. Happier than I remembered. Once I had looked at the same photo and saw evidence of the emptiness in my heart during its taking. I couldn’t see that anymore. It looked, now,… Read More »Unfairly archived

Oops

I don’t like it here now. Environment dictates our behaviour and I have created a space I don’t want to be in. This was why I’d paid for someone else to handle the environment. But then I became dissatisfied with fine and wanted better. And then I remembered how much effort better was. How many… Read More »Oops

Face it

My response to taking more tangible ‘ownership’ of my blog seems to have been fairly predictable, in that I promptly disengaged from writing it. I don’t think it was necessarily as simple as that, but it was also definitely as simple as that. A micro expression of what was happening in the macro. I was… Read More »Face it

Husky mind

Recently, I was rejoicing quietly about the fact that I had been communicating with people in a professional capacity without excessive post-comms rumination. I didn’t do anything directly to attain this freedom, though I thought I might be able to trace its provenence. Regardless, it felt like I’d magically put things in their rightful place,… Read More »Husky mind