I just went through and deleted all of my drafts. Most of them were unplanted seeds – random thoughts I liked the feel of but never enough to nurture into more than a few sentences. A few were complete, unpublished entries written by a person in a different place and time. Eloquent, witty, no longer… Read More »Decision tree
Lately, I keep turning up here with some burning desire to write abut something but, once I arrive, the impulse drains way. It seems, all of a sudden, so meaningless. It feels self-indulgent, and not in a ‘who do I think I am?’ way, which was actually once a driver for me to keep this… Read More »A hard fail
There have been a lot of shiny objects, pressing deadlines, conflicting priorities and disruptive forces these past couple of weeks. Life is bigger than it has been for years, so it all seems right on track as an external manifestation of the inevitable resistance. Certainly enough to rattle me. Enough for me to foresee the… Read More »Turbulence
Motherhood, for me, was a calling that revealed itself in early adulthood. Prior to that, I was somewhat ambivalent to the idea, primarily because I doubted my ability to be a good mother. That didn’t stop me from constructing a very specific fantasy of living on a smallholding in Grizedale in the Lake District, with… Read More »Nola
There is a part of me – a significant, and close to the surface part – that enjoys a good bit of pain. A part of me inclined toward overexertion, obsession, and prodding open wounds. Most of the time, if you give me pain, you’ll see me smirk with a glint in my eye. Go… Read More »Give me more
I need a new mantra. A new compass. A new hallowed utterance to become a new law. A new vehicle. A new sacred space. A new foundational thing of constancy to cling to in a world of unimaginable chaos. Okay. Run every day, write every day. I am a writer. I am not a runner.… Read More »Run every day, write every day
Lately, I have been waking up in the middle of the night, because my brain has decided that that is a good time to worry about all the things I’ve said and done the previous day, and how I shouldn’t have said or done them, or should have said and done them differently. That’s not… Read More »Lay me down
As soon as I typed the phrase “I have a tendency to hyperfixate on people“, a voice in my head said you’re gonna have to write about Polaris again now. While my parasocial celebrity fixations are largely wholesome and harmless, my real-life fixations have most often been of the variety that could be labelled toxic.… Read More »I hope I’m feeling brazen
I try to live my life believing that if I do what feels, to me, like the right thing, something good will come of it. It may be invisible, it may be tangential, but it will be; something, somewhere. That’s not the kind of thing a human like me will ever be able to prove.… Read More »Holding hands
I saw my first real life Tesla on a moderately busy stretch of motorway the day before my birthday in 2016. I believe it was around Birch services on the M62. Little nugget of completely inane detail for you there, I hope you enjoy it. It came up behind me in the outside lane and,… Read More »Electric