I have a deeply ingrained belief that I am a liability.
I have fiercely internalised the idea that the world would be better off if I just didn’t get involved. Which conflicts greatly with my burning desire to just get involved with, kind of, everything in the whole entire Universe. But it also conflicts greatly with my other fiercely internalised idea that if I’m not getting involved, then I don’t actually deserve to exist.
Apparently, you see, in my head, my responsibility is to get involved, but in a very precise way that only ever contributes unambiguous benefit, and never inadvertantly hurts, inconveniences or remotely troubles another human being in the process. And I haven’t figured out how to do that yet. And, to be honest, even if I did figure it out, I’d never be, like, one hundred percent, totally sure that my involvement didn’t, at some point, make someone uncomfortable, so it’s probably just better that I don’t take the risk and instead just sit over here apologetically trying to take up as little space or attention as possible.
And that’s obviously bullshit.