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fear

The right metric

Before I quit my job I worked in data analytics. I wasn’t quite a wizard, but I could certainly baffle the townsfolk with my fine displays. I enjoy playing with metrics. So I thought, at first, I would keep doing that, at least for a while. That data wrangling would be how I made my… Read More »The right metric

Shy bairns

There’s a saying round these parts: Shy bairns get nowt. If you don’t ask for it, you won’t get it. A friend of mine changed it to shy bairns get plenty. I like it. It speaks of a satisfaction with life, and an acceptance of self, that I appreciate. But I also think I disagree.… Read More »Shy bairns

Petty Fraud

I’ve felt like a fraud sometimes lately. Because the things I’m trying to do aren’t yet done. It’s a vulnerable place to stand, and my defense mechanism in such circumstances is to preempt, and then inhabit, my harshest critics. So sometimes I declare myself a fraud, and suggest I climb back in my hole. I’m… Read More »Petty Fraud

Precious thing

I have a tendency to burn through things. I ‘ve alluded to this a few times here – I believed it was simply an occupational hazard of living in my brain. But I think I’m starting to understand something different. I don’t think the burnout is inevitable. I think it might be a side-effect of… Read More »Precious thing

Perfection 2.0

The other day I wrote of perfection, and how it hasn’t been something I have historically coveted. And while I was writing that, I had a quick search through my old posts to see if I was fooling myself. Having found no such evidence, I clattered on happily. Then, yesterday, I was going through old… Read More »Perfection 2.0

Flare

I’ve told a lot of stories on this blog about why this blog exists. They’re all true. Even if they contradict each other, they’re all true. Humans are stupid like that – we’re clumsy walking paradoxes. But one reason, which I think I’ve held closer to my chest than the others, is that I think… Read More »Flare

Unfairly archived

A few months ago, I got caught off guard by a photo of me, my son and his dad together. We looked happy. Happier than I remembered. Once I had looked at the same photo and saw evidence of the emptiness in my heart during its taking. I couldn’t see that anymore. It looked, now,… Read More »Unfairly archived

Shatter me

There have been a few times in my life where I have truly made a decision because inside I knew I must. In those instances, the fear of what might happen, or even what definitely would happen, couldn’t challenge my knowing. I walked out, arms wide, ready to take the bullets. Of course, the bullets… Read More »Shatter me

Husky mind

Recently, I was rejoicing quietly about the fact that I had been communicating with people in a professional capacity without excessive post-comms rumination. I didn’t do anything directly to attain this freedom, though I thought I might be able to trace its provenence. Regardless, it felt like I’d magically put things in their rightful place,… Read More »Husky mind

A hard fail

Lately, I keep turning up here with some burning desire to write abut something but, once I arrive, the impulse drains way. It seems, all of a sudden, so meaningless. It feels self-indulgent, and not in a ‘who do I think I am?’ way, which was actually once a driver for me to keep this… Read More »A hard fail