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self-doubt

Petty Fraud

I’ve felt like a fraud sometimes lately. Because the things I’m trying to do aren’t yet done. It’s a vulnerable place to stand, and my defense mechanism in such circumstances is to preempt, and then inhabit, my harshest critics. So sometimes I declare myself a fraud, and suggest I climb back in my hole. I’m… Read More »Petty Fraud

A convergence

I have always been an over-ambitious and obstinate masochist. I have fought with that, and prided in that, I’ve denied it, and worried I’ve lost it. It has been my downfall on many occasions and, just as often, my only saving grace. I’ve written before about this proclivity, and also about how it seems to… Read More »A convergence

Husky mind

Recently, I was rejoicing quietly about the fact that I had been communicating with people in a professional capacity without excessive post-comms rumination. I didn’t do anything directly to attain this freedom, though I thought I might be able to trace its provenence. Regardless, it felt like I’d magically put things in their rightful place,… Read More »Husky mind

Chatty

I have been playing with ChatGPT a bit lately. It’s an excellent crutch for people like me who question their every move with cripplingly minute detail. I can ask it questions I already know the answer to, and have it soothe me with vague validation that henceforth emboldens me toward action. I can ask it,… Read More »Chatty

Flight.

Time. Timetimetimetimetime. Where does it all go? Nowhere, you’re the one going places. I’ve been off on many tangents lately. Flittering about through fiction, illustration, leopard geckos and past traumas. And I keep coming back to the issue that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to fully indulge myself in the explorations I… Read More »Flight.

Paid dues

I think I’ve made a decision. It’s a decision I’ve made a bunch of times before, and then gone back on. But I think – finally – life has lovingly, firmly, backed me into a corner. There really is just no weaseling out of it now. If I don’t make this decision now, I’m categorically… Read More »Paid dues

Vindication

In an ideal world, I’d homeschool my son. Correction: In an ideal world, I’d solicit the help of experts in many fields, establish a school according to my own evidence-based values, and send my son there. Once Upon A Time, I thought homeschooling was what I would do. I was entranced and enamoured with all… Read More »Vindication

Easy enough

Jesus fucking Christ I started this blog over four and a half years ago. Imagine if it had been successful??? Could have changed my fucking life! The thing is it did. It has completely served its purpose every step of the way – it has done everything I’ve ever asked of it. I just never… Read More »Easy enough

Making it something

Lately, just as an exercise to prove I’m not self-obsessed, I’ve been trying to think of posts I could write that don’t start with ‘I’. I’m not very good at it. Maybe all I’m good at is airing my dirty brain laundry. I’ve also been thinking about ways I can introduce additional streams of income… Read More »Making it something

Blanket inhibition

I attended a writers’ talk this evening and, while I was listening, a few questions bubbled up that I wanted to ask. But the time for questions didn’t come until the end. By which point I’d forgotten all but one, and I was second-guessing whether it was relevant, whether it was a question that would… Read More »Blanket inhibition