The Ebb and Flow

So it’s been a month. I’ve noticed myself in many ways becoming quieter over the course of my pregnancy. Writing less, talking less, turning more inwards. I wonder if perhaps the monumental act of creation going on inside my currently undulating belly has given me less of an appetite for other creative endeavours. Or maybe I just can’t articulate my thoughts amongst the hormone haze and have instead opted out of even trying.

I’ve thought about this blog fairly regularly, much like I’ve thought about my journal and an array of unfinished projects. And I probably should have acted on those thoughts more often than I have. But also these days I am careful not to ‘effort’ things too much. I try not to swim upstream too often, the idea instead being to prioritise the things that are really worth that effort. And even moreso right now – when my decisions, my mindset, my general wellbeing all have a ripple effect into the being growing in my womb beyond my understanding – I am being more cautious to go easy.

I spent a lot of my young life efforting. Making things happen. Achieving what I wanted to achieve, whatever the cost. I was prepared to toil and suffer. And boy did I toil and suffer. Physically, mentally, emotionally…my entire life was just a series of battles, and I never had the wisdom to surrender. I always went to the bitter end. I got things done; I’m proud of some of the things I accomplished, and I had an interesting life. But I ruined myself over time. Until I had no choice but to give up. If I’d been more open, more relaxed, less dogged, less controlling, I still could have accomplished many things and had an interesting life, but I could have sustained it. Indeed, that’s what I’ve been trying since my ‘fall’. To create a fulfilling and sustainable life, not just a list of achievements. To be happy as well as successful. But mostly, to be happy.

So do I have a point? Maybe I should have written more, but it’s equally possible that I have needed not to write. Regardless, I simply choose to appreciate that, right now, writing feels like surrendering to the current. And I trust that, over time, I will find the balance of fighting for something and letting it go.

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