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April 2020

Where it breaks

I’ve been letting myself get overwhelmed by emotion a lot lately. I don’t mean that I’ve been overwhelmed by my own emotions. And neither do I mean that I’ve been overwhelmed in a functional sense. But, when a moment of high emotion is offered to me – and there have been so many lately –… Read More »Where it breaks

Lowered sights

This is the first day, this time around, that it’s been tempting to phone it in. My lower back is a world of pain today. No logical reason for it. In the past few weeks there have been plenty of times I’ve thrown my son around in absurd ways, or completely overexerted myself in the… Read More »Lowered sights

Present tense forgiveness

I can do forgiveness. Forgiving things that happened…I have that down, at least most of the time. But how do you forgive the ongoing, unfolding present? How do you forgive when you’re still on the battlefield? How do you forgive when you still, in a very real way, need to protect yourself? That is trickier.… Read More »Present tense forgiveness

Baths

In my adult life, I have never been partial to baths. I didn’t have a shower for most of my childhood, and baths had become a mundane faff rather than a symbol of relaxation. When my son was still a baby, my then partner almost forced me into the bath on the regular, because he… Read More »Baths

Devotion

For a while now, I have been craving a devotional practice. I am very, very good at devotion. Specifically, I am very, very good at devoting myself to other people. I will pour my life into another human being given half the fucking chance. I will see the God in them, and I will bow… Read More »Devotion

Road liable to flooding

I have been breaking through a crust of limiting beliefs lately. Once Upon a Time, I thought I had figured out the problem of this crust. I thought I had fit myself into a form smaller than my true self. And I was so fucking frustrated because it seemed like I’d break out, and then… Read More »Road liable to flooding

Andy

Today I saw the news that the man I spent half of my nights with back in 2015 died. We weren’t in a romantic relationship, we just worked night shift together. But in many ways it was about as intimate. I think he called me ‘wife’ from the first shift. Or at least ‘best friend’.… Read More »Andy

Permeation

It’s funny how we take things in. We breathe things into us from outside, and they become part of us, and we forget who we were without them. Ideas, judgements, limitations, beliefs, points of view…sometimes they’re useful, and sometimes they’re really, really not. If we noticed it was happening, perhaps we would use discernment. But… Read More »Permeation