I Feel It Coming

When I had a sort of travel diary blog, I titled every entry with whatever song came to mind. Not savvy SEO by any means, but I found it satisfying.

This is a The Weeknd song. I have been listening to The Weeknd quite a lot lately. He was heavy in the morning exercise rotation until Malachi learned to say ‘Alexa, play Hey Ya!’, which is now the entire morning exercise rotation.

But, aside from that, I’ve been enjoying The Weeknd as a study into the struggle of a self-aware masculine man trapped within a culture of toxic masculinity, carrying the associated programming, longing and striving to shed it, but ashamed by the mess of his endeavour and weakened by his inevitable failed attempts.

But all of this, while interesting (to me), has nothing to do with what I intended to write about.

I feel something coming. Much like I was anticipating some vague global event, I am anticipating a significant event in my life too. But rather than the hazy slog of the collective, I feel like I’m approaching a switch. From off to ON. And I don’t think I do the switching.

I have been changing, and my life has been changing with me. I have been growing into myself, consciously and consistently, for a while now. I said, tongue in cheek, to someone recently ‘my life is a cascade of epiphanies’. That’s an important characteristic of my life, shaped by my desire to become who I am. The past few weeks have lent more focus to my self-reflection, so I feel markedly different now, in a very good way, from the version of myself that walked into lockdown. But that’s a dimmer switch. That’s not what I’m talking about. That’s just my life’s work.

I’m expecting a sudden blast. A spark. A strike of lightning. Before and after. A moment. Of significant proportions. Nothing compared to the rheostat I’ve been learning to operate these past few decades, but notable. Not self changing, but life changing.

So I guess we’ll see if the switch flicks, or if the anticipation was all for naught.

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