Tough love

I think I’m sliding into a new awareness of myself in relation to others. It’s too subtle to call a levelling up, but I’m hoping I’ve at least passed a checkpoint, because I don’t want to have to do these past few weeks over.

I’m in an awkward phase right now where I’m feeling the need to chase down the disharmony in my life. I’ve spent the last year or so cultivating peace, so this new strategy doesn’t appeal, but it’s either that or let myself stagnate. The growth is where the challenge is. And for me, right now, that is in my most difficult personal relationships. Personal relationships that I may prefer the luxury of writing off. Personal relationships it would be perfectly reasonable to encourage writing off.

It’s important to detach the idea of having them go the way I want them to, and having them teach me what I need them to. I regularly get stuck in the former because I resist the latter, which causes pain and makes me want to reconsider. But the only way out is through, and they are teaching me. And I’m starting to feel the effects.

Maybe I’m learning the hard way, but then that wouldn’t be anything new.

8 thoughts on “Tough love

  1. Always go off a person consistent actions towards you to know where you truly stand with them over their consistent words, especially if you have brought up your concerns to them with no change behavior on their end.

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    1. Solid advice! It’s worth considering too, I think, how our own desires and biases can cloud our perception of other people’s actions – in both directions – sometimes we just see what we want to see and that can lead to unhelpful responses.

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      1. Can you give me an example of our own desires and biases clouding our perception of other people consistent actions? I ask because I can’t think of a case where that happens off the top of my head.

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      2. I think the biggest issue is probably confirmation bias. So, for instance, if we want to believe someone is into us, we’ll likely pay more attention to the actions that lead us to that conclusion, and ignore the actions that challenge that belief. Or if we’ve made up our mind that somebody is, say, disrespecting us, we’ll see that in their actions even when it’s not there.

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      3. Gotcha… that is why I mentioned CONSISTENT actions will always tell you what you need to know…. A good example, if I like you like you like me, you shouldn’t be the one always texting and calling me first, it should be random sometime on both of our end. Also, if you bring a concern up to someone and they never change even briefly to meet you half way, that’s another example of actions speaker louder than words.

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      4. I understand why you mentioned consistent action. It was a sweeping statement and I was trying to bring you back to the topic of the post you commented on. Of course another person’s actions will tell us what we need to know, but the problem is when we don’t SEE those actions clearly, because as humans we see subjectively; profoundly affected by our own stories, wounds, biases and preconceptions. Although, honestly, I don’t think many people are experiencing situations as black and white as your examples – I think most people are dealing with more shades of grey.

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      5. I see your point, but not sure what to tell you if you’re not going to believe a person consistent actions, especially when they continue to disappoint and confirm over and over who they really are over what your preconceptions of them is.

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      6. Then you’re still missing the main point – we don’t know we’re doing it, if we did we wouldn’t do it! To catch ourselves requires careful and continued self examination.

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