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2023

Perfection 2.0

The other day I wrote of perfection, and how it hasn’t been something I have historically coveted. And while I was writing that, I had a quick search through my old posts to see if I was fooling myself. Having found no such evidence, I clattered on happily. Then, yesterday, I was going through old… Read More »Perfection 2.0

Perfection

I am not one, ordinarily, to fuck around with the idea of perfection. I have vehemently avoided it since my early teen years when my friend and I used the code name ‘Nobody’ for a crush and when anybody would say ‘well, nobody’s perfect’ we would titter amongst ourselves and agree. ‘Nobody’, of course, was… Read More »Perfection

Flare

I’ve told a lot of stories on this blog about why this blog exists. They’re all true. Even if they contradict each other, they’re all true. Humans are stupid like that – we’re clumsy walking paradoxes. But one reason, which I think I’ve held closer to my chest than the others, is that I think… Read More »Flare

Without words

I would have probably had an easier time with human connection if I lived before the advent of complex language. Before we possessed the ability to communicate our profound weirdness to each other. I would have imagined everyone as beautifully weird as me, in just the same ways as me. Give or take. I would… Read More »Without words

Accounting

Something I have thought about quite a lot over the years is how, as a youngster, I lacked accountability. I was terrified of the consequences of being found out to have made a mistake, and I lived in an environment which made it easy not to be discovered. Culpability became this black box of horror… Read More »Accounting

A strange compromise

I don’t know what to do with this world. I don’t know what to do in it. I don’t seem to have the constitution, the circumstances, the expertise to contribute solutions to its biggest problems. I care deeply, but am impotent. The best I can muster is often to reassess the organisations I donate meagre… Read More »A strange compromise

Running through

I have been running again lately. Not a lot, just weekly for about 40 minutes. And I have a running playlist for when I do the running. David Goggins says listening to music while running is cheating, and I am inclined to agree. It is much easier to run when you’re listening to the right… Read More »Running through

Unfairly archived

A few months ago, I got caught off guard by a photo of me, my son and his dad together. We looked happy. Happier than I remembered. Once I had looked at the same photo and saw evidence of the emptiness in my heart during its taking. I couldn’t see that anymore. It looked, now,… Read More »Unfairly archived

A convergence

I have always been an over-ambitious and obstinate masochist. I have fought with that, and prided in that, I’ve denied it, and worried I’ve lost it. It has been my downfall on many occasions and, just as often, my only saving grace. I’ve written before about this proclivity, and also about how it seems to… Read More »A convergence

Shatter me

There have been a few times in my life where I have truly made a decision because inside I knew I must. In those instances, the fear of what might happen, or even what definitely would happen, couldn’t challenge my knowing. I walked out, arms wide, ready to take the bullets. Of course, the bullets… Read More »Shatter me