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The Posts

  • Bad Jokes

    Once Upon A Time in 2022, my friend had a hen party on my birthday. The details aren’t especially important to the story, but I like the way the sentence sounds. As part of the preparation for the hen party, we compiled a party playlist. Now, I contributed some excellent specimens… Read more

  • First, Art. Then, Marketing.

    There is Art. And there is Marketing. If you can’t find art in the work that you do, then you’re probably doing it wrong. And if you can’t proclaim the worth of the work that you do, then you probably don’t know what you’re doing. But you can’t extol the virtues… Read more

  • Seven years, five lessons

    I have been…’blogging’…here for nigh on seven years. Sometimes it was daily, sometimes I disappeared for months at a time. Sometimes I told my dearest stories, sometimes I barely scraped together a meaningful sentence. Always it was for me and no-one else, and always the potentially public nature of it was… Read more

  • Interesting choices

    I tried TikTok once. As in I tried making some TikToks. It was a short-lived effort because it was an all-consuming dopamine farm with very little real-world utility. Just another carcass in the elephant graveyard of my endeavours. But I just looked back on them. And I like them. I like… Read more

  • Under the sky

    It’s amazing the clarity that can come just from standing under the sky for a few quiet moments. It’s something I forget to do – it’s easy to get caught up in work, or chores, or scheduled activities. Easy to keep the quiet reflection for bedtime. But there is a quality… Read more

  • Petty Fraud

    I’ve felt like a fraud sometimes lately. Because the things I’m trying to do aren’t yet done. It’s a vulnerable place to stand, and my defense mechanism in such circumstances is to preempt, and then inhabit, my harshest critics. So sometimes I declare myself a fraud, and suggest I climb back… Read more

  • Art.

    Something I have been trying to let myself do more lately is Art. Real art. Not just writing, or poetry, or fiction. Not just creative output, but art. Trying to give my words the space to become more than they already are. For some people, this is the only way, but… Read more

  • Precious thing

    I have a tendency to burn through things. I ‘ve alluded to this a few times here – I believed it was simply an occupational hazard of living in my brain. But I think I’m starting to understand something different. I don’t think the burnout is inevitable. I think it might… Read more

  • Sad and unavoidable

    There is a certain look that is often played on the face of beautiful, egotistical, fragile, struggling male characters in TV shows, and every time I see it, it takes me back to a different time. I recognise that look intimately. I thought the connection to it would have faded with… Read more

  • Abandoned trails

    I was out walking the other day, thinking about my lack of expertise. Wondering what the thing I would talk about would be if I had to spontaneously give a talk. And thinking it might be horses, because I niched down enough there to be uncommon in my knowledge, even though… Read more

  • Perfection 2.0

    The other day I wrote of perfection, and how it hasn’t been something I have historically coveted. And while I was writing that, I had a quick search through my old posts to see if I was fooling myself. Having found no such evidence, I clattered on happily. Then, yesterday, I… Read more

  • Perfection

    I am not one, ordinarily, to fuck around with the idea of perfection. I have vehemently avoided it since my early teen years when my friend and I used the code name ‘Nobody’ for a crush and when anybody would say ‘well, nobody’s perfect’ we would titter amongst ourselves and agree.… Read more

  • Flare

    I’ve told a lot of stories on this blog about why this blog exists. They’re all true. Even if they contradict each other, they’re all true. Humans are stupid like that – we’re clumsy walking paradoxes. But one reason, which I think I’ve held closer to my chest than the others,… Read more

  • Without words

    I would have probably had an easier time with human connection if I lived before the advent of complex language. Before we possessed the ability to communicate our profound weirdness to each other. I would have imagined everyone as beautifully weird as me, in just the same ways as me. Give… Read more

  • Accounting

    Something I have thought about quite a lot over the years is how, as a youngster, I lacked accountability. I was terrified of the consequences of being found out to have made a mistake, and I lived in an environment which made it easy not to be discovered. Culpability became this… Read more

  • A strange compromise

    I don’t know what to do with this world. I don’t know what to do in it. I don’t seem to have the constitution, the circumstances, the expertise to contribute solutions to its biggest problems. I care deeply, but am impotent. The best I can muster is often to reassess the… Read more

  • Running through

    I have been running again lately. Not a lot, just weekly for about 40 minutes. And I have a running playlist for when I do the running. David Goggins says listening to music while running is cheating, and I am inclined to agree. It is much easier to run when you’re… Read more

  • Unfairly archived

    A few months ago, I got caught off guard by a photo of me, my son and his dad together. We looked happy. Happier than I remembered. Once I had looked at the same photo and saw evidence of the emptiness in my heart during its taking. I couldn’t see that… Read more

  • A convergence

    I have always been an over-ambitious and obstinate masochist. I have fought with that, and prided in that, I’ve denied it, and worried I’ve lost it. It has been my downfall on many occasions and, just as often, my only saving grace. I’ve written before about this proclivity, and also about… Read more

  • Shatter me

    There have been a few times in my life where I have truly made a decisions because inside I knew I must. In those instances, the fear of what might happen, or even what definitely would happen, couldn’t challenge my knowing. I walked out, arms wide, ready to take the bullets.… Read more

  • Oops

    I don’t like it here now. Environment dictates our behaviour and I have created a space I don’t want to be in. This was why I’d paid for someone else to handle the environment. But then I became dissatisfied with fine and wanted better. And then I remembered how much effort… Read more

  • Did I break it?

    When I made the decision to transition away from my comfortable, taken-care-of, type-and-click blog set-up, I thought I was more than ready for what I anticipated as a marginal increase in time and energy investment. And then, immediately, I reconsidered, when I found myself spending hours tinkering instead of writing, without… Read more

  • Face it

    My response to taking more tangible ‘ownership’ of my blog seems to have been fairly predictable, in that I promptly disengaged from writing it. I don’t think it was necessarily as simple as that, but it was also definitely as simple as that. A micro expression of what was happening in… Read more

  • On the hook

    I am now, officially, entirely responsible for all the inadequate design choices on this site. Some of them are simple mistakes I’m still catching. Some, undoubtedly, are in fact my misguided taste. Either way, it’s all my fault. I was paying more than I needed to to keep this thing going,… Read more

  • Who am I to be?

    I’m at an interesting place in my life. A place of dissatisfaction, curiosity, boredom, frustration, possibility, confusion, excitement, resignation…a lot of strands of experience are coalescing into my present moment. It started with an unavailable man. Most of my stories start with unavailable men. I had been annoyed that I hadn’t… Read more

  • Husky mind

    Recently, I was rejoicing quietly about the fact that I had been communicating with people in a professional capacity without excessive post-comms rumination. I didn’t do anything directly to attain this freedom, though I thought I might be able to trace its provenence. Regardless, it felt like I’d magically put things… Read more

  • Take the shirt off my back

    I think I’m at risk of starting to look like a homeless person. You see, my eras are defined sartorially. I buy clothes, I wear them ’til they break, I keep wearing them until the situation becomes untenable, I fix the clothes, I wear them ’til they’re unfixable, and then I… Read more

  • The lost meander

    I think something I have missed over the last year is living slow. Not that I can say I’ve been living fast, exactly. More like I’ve been running along the knife-edge between adequate accomplishment and exhaustion. Getting the things done I needed to get done when I needed to get them… Read more

  • Decision tree

    I just went through and deleted all of my drafts. Most of them were unplanted seeds – random thoughts I liked the feel of but never enough to nurture into more than a few sentences. A few were complete, unpublished entries written by a person in a different place and time.… Read more

  • Conservation or conversation?

    My last bunch of posts have been scheduled in advance. And I changed my theme to try out some of the wordpress functionality that I have been thoroughly ignoring for some time. Then I regretted it when I saw the results, but ploughed on bravely. And I connected this to my… Read more