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personal growth

Professional human

In all areas of our life, we humans seek to connect with other humans. This is a fact I know very well intellectually, but have been quite poor at integrating. You see, historically, I have had a tendency to corral myself into roles that I then have trouble switching out of. The professional. The host.… Read More »Professional human

Seven years, five lessons

I have been…’blogging’…here for nigh on seven years. Sometimes it was daily, sometimes I disappeared for months at a time. Sometimes I told my dearest stories, sometimes I barely scraped together a meaningful sentence. Always it was for me and no-one else, and always the potentially public nature of it was inexplicably important. Why? Why… Read More »Seven years, five lessons

Interesting choices

I tried TikTok once. As in I tried making some TikToks. It was a short-lived effort because it was an all-consuming dopamine farm with very little real-world utility. Just another carcass in the elephant graveyard of my endeavours. But I just looked back on them. And I like them. I like me in them. I’m… Read More »Interesting choices

Precious thing

I have a tendency to burn through things. I ‘ve alluded to this a few times here – I believed it was simply an occupational hazard of living in my brain. But I think I’m starting to understand something different. I don’t think the burnout is inevitable. I think it might be a side-effect of… Read More »Precious thing

Flare

I’ve told a lot of stories on this blog about why this blog exists. They’re all true. Even if they contradict each other, they’re all true. Humans are stupid like that – we’re clumsy walking paradoxes. But one reason, which I think I’ve held closer to my chest than the others, is that I think… Read More »Flare

Accounting

Something I have thought about quite a lot over the years is how, as a youngster, I lacked accountability. I was terrified of the consequences of being found out to have made a mistake, and I lived in an environment which made it easy not to be discovered. Culpability became this black box of horror… Read More »Accounting

Running through

I have been running again lately. Not a lot, just weekly for about 40 minutes. And I have a running playlist for when I do the running. David Goggins says listening to music while running is cheating, and I am inclined to agree. It is much easier to run when you’re listening to the right… Read More »Running through

Unfairly archived

A few months ago, I got caught off guard by a photo of me, my son and his dad together. We looked happy. Happier than I remembered. Once I had looked at the same photo and saw evidence of the emptiness in my heart during its taking. I couldn’t see that anymore. It looked, now,… Read More »Unfairly archived

Face it

My response to taking more tangible ‘ownership’ of my blog seems to have been fairly predictable, in that I promptly disengaged from writing it. I don’t think it was necessarily as simple as that, but it was also definitely as simple as that. A micro expression of what was happening in the macro. I was… Read More »Face it

On the hook

I am now, officially, entirely responsible for all the inadequate design choices on this site. Some of them are simple mistakes I’m still catching. Some, undoubtedly, are in fact my misguided taste. Either way, it’s all my fault. I was paying more than I needed to to keep this thing going, because I wanted to… Read More »On the hook