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transition and transformation

Petty Fraud

I’ve felt like a fraud sometimes lately. Because the things I’m trying to do aren’t yet done. It’s a vulnerable place to stand, and my defense mechanism in such circumstances is to preempt, and then inhabit, my harshest critics. So sometimes I declare myself a fraud, and suggest I climb back in my hole. I’m… Read More »Petty Fraud

Did I break it?

When I made the decision to transition away from my comfortable, taken-care-of, type-and-click blog set-up, I thought I was more than ready for what I anticipated as a marginal increase in time and energy investment. And then, immediately, I reconsidered, when I found myself spending hours tinkering instead of writing, without much to show for… Read More »Did I break it?

Decision tree

I just went through and deleted all of my drafts. Most of them were unplanted seeds – random thoughts I liked the feel of but never enough to nurture into more than a few sentences. A few were complete, unpublished entries written by a person in a different place and time. Eloquent, witty, no longer… Read More »Decision tree

A hard fail

Lately, I keep turning up here with some burning desire to write abut something but, once I arrive, the impulse drains way. It seems, all of a sudden, so meaningless. It feels self-indulgent, and not in a ‘who do I think I am?’ way, which was actually once a driver for me to keep this… Read More »A hard fail

Turbulence

There have been a lot of shiny objects, pressing deadlines, conflicting priorities and disruptive forces these past couple of weeks. Life is bigger than it has been for years, so it all seems right on track as an external manifestation of the inevitable resistance. Certainly enough to rattle me. Enough for me to foresee the… Read More »Turbulence

Nola

Motherhood, for me, was a calling that revealed itself in early adulthood. Prior to that, I was somewhat ambivalent to the idea, primarily because I doubted my ability to be a good mother. That didn’t stop me from constructing a very specific fantasy of living on a smallholding in Grizedale in the Lake District, with… Read More »Nola

Give me more

There is a part of me – a significant, and close to the surface part – that enjoys a good bit of pain. A part of me inclined toward overexertion, obsession, and prodding open wounds. Most of the time, if you give me pain, you’ll see me smirk with a glint in my eye. Go… Read More »Give me more

Run every day, write every day

I need a new mantra. A new compass. A new hallowed utterance to become a new law. A new vehicle. A new sacred space. A new foundational thing of constancy to cling to in a world of unimaginable chaos. Okay. Run every day, write every day. I am a writer. I am not a runner.… Read More »Run every day, write every day

Lay me down

Lately, I have been waking up in the middle of the night, because my brain has decided that that is a good time to worry about all the things I’ve said and done the previous day, and how I shouldn’t have said or done them, or should have said and done them differently. That’s not… Read More »Lay me down

I hope I’m feeling brazen

As soon as I typed the phrase “I have a tendency to hyperfixate on people“, a voice in my head said you’re gonna have to write about Polaris again now. While my parasocial celebrity fixations are largely wholesome and harmless, my real-life fixations have most often been of the variety that could be labelled toxic.… Read More »I hope I’m feeling brazen