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Circling the drain

My motivation has been on the floor these past couple of days. Yesterday was worse than today, admittedly – having to speak to anyone other than E or complete an action of any sort filled me with a dark and consuming dread. Today I am muddling through a few things on my to-do list and trying to drag myself up.

Because inaction is a curse. For me, certainly, but most likely for everyone. If you do nothing, and you continue doing nothing, however well reasoned your decision, you stagnate. For me, it manifests as depression, guilt, dread, anxiety, and even less motivation to start moving. Until it reaches the unbearable crux point, of course, where something must be done, regardless of how painful it is.

I try to pull myself out of the maelstrom prior to reaching the aforementioned crux point, because it’s all such a waste of energy and life, and a shitshow of needless suffering. But I am not so practiced at this that I always succeed. Yesterday, I could see where I was heading, and I couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it. I knew exactly what I was doing to myself, and I did it anyway. Making today more painful.

So today I sat at the crux point for a while, swimming in the excruciating stagnancy of my self, with the two choices – start moving, or cease to exist. Now, obviously, there was only one course of action – action – but I find it helps to frame it as a choice regardless. Best not feed into the story of powerlessness that helped get me there in the first place.

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