I tried TikTok once. As in I tried making some TikToks. It was a short-lived effort because it was an all-consuming dopamine farm with very little real-world utility. Just another carcass in the elephant graveyard of my endeavours.
But I just looked back on them. And I like them. I like me in them. I’m fast-paced and witty and more than a little bit silly. I make some interesting points. I make some interesting choices.
I’m always a lot kinder to myself in retrospect. At least I am when I actually tried the thing. Most of what I have created, I am fond of. And I know that isn’t necessarily a measure of quality – perhaps more likely a measure of narcissism – but so often I’ve been held back by crippling self-criticism, and so often it’s proven to be entirely unnecessary, with the benefit of hindsight.
Something changed in me lately. I am always seeking change in me, so I can’t say with certainty what caused it. But it undoubtedly correlated with an interesting choice. I did something that may have been brave, may have been stupid, may have been utterly pointless, but felt both ridiculous and sublime.
And I think I’m starting to believe that, if I did that, then I might as well do some other things too, and just defer the harsh judgement to a later me, who probably won’t be so inclined anyway.
Perhaps this can be a year of interesting choices. Brave, stupid, ridiculous, sublime, pointlessly meaningful choices. Maybe I can just keep making them, and think about it later.