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I’ve been having a lot of dreams lately. Well we always have a lot of dreams. I’ve been remembering a lot of dreams lately. Vivid ones, with what seems like highly symbolic imagery. Tidal waves and jungle cats and shiny gold coins. Gargantuan cruise ships with underwater viewing windows. Poos on my doorstep.

Polaris even showed up, sitting ostentatiously on some stone steps to demonstrate that, no, in fact he is not a nebulous mass to me as previously suggested; my brain actually has a startlingly high definition idea of his person. The person I have only ever seen in a very limited number of two dimensional images several years ago. Like, I had a dream about Guy Martin too, obviously, but my brain didn’t have the audacity to pretend dream Guy Martin actually resembled real Guy Martin. But with Polaris, my brain is like, nah this is it, fucking exactly this, absolutely nailed it, no fucking doubt, more real than anything you’ve ever seen. Yeah, well, I appreciate the effort, I really do, but you gave him, like, the opposite of a monk’s haircut, so I’m not sure if you’re suggesting his hairline has receded uniformly around its entire edge or that his wig shrank in the wash, but I think at least something was a little off in your estimation there.

I really enjoy dreams. I get too enthusiastic about telling them as stories to people and I like to ponder their meaning. Sometimes (often) I look up dream meanings on the internet. The problem is most of the things I want to look up the meaning of are just not things that anyone would have thought to posit a meaning for.

Like okay, I can look up tidal waves. But what if the tidal wave from the ocean is met with an equal and opposite tidal wave of sand from the desert, and neither of the waves ever crash because they just reactively match each other’s force and height?

And I can look up ‘the jungle’, and there’s even mention of big scary jungle dream cats, but what if while I’m strolling through the jungle with a bunch of people from the giant cruise ship, I am casually met by a large leap of clouded leopards (I looked up the collective noun) and they rub up against me like friendly house cats and that’s how I know we’ve reached our destination?

And, yeah, there are some dream poop meanings to consider…but what if I’m coming home to a house that isn’t mine but does exist but isn’t relevant or notable in any way and my son greets me because apparently I just left him home alone I guess and he informs me that he did a poo on daddy’s bed which isn’t in this house but for some reason I know is made entirely of light brown leather but there is also a poo on the doorstep right in front of me but it looks more like an expertly piped soft whip chocolate ice-cream?

These are the questions I need answers to.

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