I have a tendency to burn through things.
I ‘ve alluded to this a few times here – I believed it was simply an occupational hazard of living in my brain.
But I think I’m starting to understand something different. I don’t think the burnout is inevitable. I think it might be a side-effect of mismanagement.
You see, I learned a long time ago that, in my natural state, I’m more forceful than your typical human. Intense. Extreme. Unyielding. Passionate. Emotional. Rapid. Perhaps unacceptably so.
Rapid was a particular sticking point. It’s an unusual accusation to volley at a human, and yet I’ve fielded it on multiple occasions.
So I’ve tried to be less rapid, to keep the others comfortable.
What happens if the motor’s running but the brakes are on? What happens if the wheels are turning but the car can’t move?
I am designed to move; maybe faster than other people. But I stop myself, I slow myself down, and in frustration I stare at what’s in front of me, and divert all my power there, without even realising how much of it there is.
I caught myself recently, staring at a thing – a precious thing I never want to harm or jeopardise in any way – and the pure necessity of not burning through it made me see the mistake I’ve been making for so many years.
I have known for a long time I’ve been guilty of stifling myself. But I couldn’t let go of the guilt of potentially not stifling myself – the potential to harm things or, worse, people, with the ferocity of my true nature. It kept me caged, or, more accurately, compartmentalised, releasing the pressure only through channels I had designated fireproof.
This time, though, I was confronted with the prospect of harming this precious thing if I let myself stay in one place for too long. If I stared at it, and waited for the world to catch up with me, there was the very real possibility that I would distort it beyond all recognition. I don’t think I could live with myself if I did that. So I had to find another way.
And the other way is the thing I should have been doing all along. Allowing all the energy, fire, love, desire, ambition, inspiration, devotion, dedication that I have pent up inside me to flow. To flow anywhere, anyway.
There have been people in my life, and situations in my life, in whose best interests it was for me to stay small and confined. That is simply no longer true. And I am entering a phase where the reverse, in fact, is true.
Precious things are worth their uncomfortable revelations. And their revelations are worth even more.