Lurking in wait

Lately, I have been numbing with noise.

There are worse vices.

But it has become a diminishing factor in my life. I can’t seem to go anywhere without an input available, and I’m not being as deliberate about quality as I usually would be, either. I can tell it’s making my existing meditation practice as effective as pissing in the wind, and it’s also, most likely, a main contributor to the fact that I seem to have forgotten how to go to sleep. Like, literally; I go to bed, and then I just…don’t know what to do. And sleep reigns supreme on my list of everyday problems, so…this should be addressed.

Why am I scared of the silence? What lurks within it?

There is only one way to find out.

The Missing Void

I’d make a good monk.

In fact, I often fantasise about a reality in which I ran away to live in solitude and dedicate myself purely to the pursuit of spiritual understanding. Even as a non-religious kid, the idea of becoming a Christian nun was oddly appealing to me.

I’ve spent a reasonable amount of time in acseticism and isolation. Often avoidant asceticism and isolation. I enjoy it, and adapt easily to it. And the idea of the asceticism and isolation being virtuous has enraptured and raised suspicion in me in equal measures over the years. It’s an awfully good excuse to run away from all my irrational fears and places of deepest discomfort…

Right now, however – quite in contrast to my previous post advocating my most extroverted self, and quite in contrast to frustrated desire for new people and conversations and stimuli I’ve been feeling throughout this pandemic – I’m not confused or ambivalent towards the idea of asceticism and isolation. I crave it wholeheartedly. To turn everything off, and sit in fertile silence. More completely than I ever have before.

I’ve let too much of my world become noise, and I want to tune back into meaningful sound – be it bold and brave or light and sweet. But first of all, most of all, I want Nothingness.